I've been trying to keep myself busy lately. I need distractions. Otherwise, I end up like now. Thinking. Its not a crime to think but when thoughts wonder far away, there is always something. Keeping myself busy tends to stop me from thinking. Thinking about stuff like the past, present and future. About friendship, betrayal, lost and so on.
There you go. A need to write out what I am thinking. The "I am BUSY" becomes my slogan or motto now. I am actually that busy and tired that I do not have any time to train or hang out with friends as usual. My time management sux. Everything is a rush. Studies, revisions, assignments, thesis, and so on becomes my daily life. Most of my time i spent in uni. Earliest would be like 6.50am then all the way to 5.00pm. Reach home rest awhile then study again or revision or read or anything as long as i do not have time.
I thought of the past years. Last year was a pleasant but horrid year too for me. When friends turned out not to be the friends you expected, where back-stabbers and hypocrites exist in any relationship be it love, friends, family, etc. Where self-esteem is totally hancur, confidence and all those. When i finally come out from my shell i am then force to be my usual introvert behavior again. Confidence also gone. Self-conscious is strongly affecting me and so on. Thinks I wanna say but no one could understand and the thought of burdening people with all my problem is not helping either. Sometimes i get tired of life.
When a friend do not treat you as a friend anymore or maybe never actually treated you as one, just to draw on attention and so on, a person will actually feel used. When the thought of finally being needed is actually a lie, it shattered everything. Why cannot people be honest and straight-forward? why people cannot just get straight to the point? Why is sincerity and integrity extinct from the world? I actually thought of crying but when one does not even have the energy to cry or think anymore, the head/brain is actually blank. And then self-entertainment which means laughing and smiling a lot just to hide the sorrow, sadness, loneliness or whatever is a natural action to prevent people from seeing through its weakness. Thats me nowadays.
I made myself busier now by actually taking an audit course. And then today i finally decided to change the audit course into and elective course which means over limit of credit hours. 24 credit hours this semester. What am i doing also i am not sure. As long as my mind do not wonders anything will do. However I just wanna apologize if i keep refusing to join my friends in any outings because I'm really tired and the lack of mood is not there. I have not the enough time to spare. After failure in a lot of things, I want this year, this final semester, this life to be at least a little perfect.
Chakra Zen Incantations
11 years ago
